So out of habit I keep going over to spin my ring on my ring finger, but the ring is gone. Within the past week and a half, Randy has lied twice about messaging Whore. The first time, he told me he didn't, and when I asked him to prove it, it turned out that he mistakenly forgot to delete a message he sent to her from MySpace.
"Why did you lie?"
"I didn't want to deal with your whining."
I got up and exited the room, and about ten minutes later, I passed the room we were just in, and it was empty. I passed the bedroom and he was laying down in our bed, something he never does.
"Why are you laying down?"
"I feel bad."
He looked like he felt bad. I sighed. I told him how I was hurt. Again. Same old speech. But this time, I was just tired. "Randy, right now I can either go into the other room and bawl my eyes out, or I can stand here and scream at you, but I'm not going to. I'm so tired of the lies, Randy." And then I walked out of the room, and went to work later on.
Later that night I wanted to talk about it. I asked him various questions but he basically answered each one with a shrug or an I-don't-know. Then I asked him, "Are you going to keep lying about girls?"
"I don't know."
I turned over and started bawling. How cruel could you be? The next day, I struggled between trying to accept the fact that he's a flirt and getting on with my life, and breaking up with him. Later that night, I gave him an ultimatum, quite similar to the one I gave him on Valentine's Day.
"Randy, either you stop lying to me about whores, or I'm moving back to Florida."
He thought I was ridiculous. we started talking and it turns out that he lied to me because he wanted to break up with me but didn't want to hurt me, so he dealt with his feelings to prevent me from breaking down. This of course made me feel terrible and I cried. And I've cried a lot since, and even though he comforted me and tried to convince that he could never imagine a life without me, well, I just wasn't convinced.
The second time he lied was a few days ago. The Whore did a few bulletins on MySpace and I noticed how she kept mentioning these secret texts. So immediately I got suspicious and wanted to see his phone, but I knew he almost always deletes any evidence. Randomly that night he started teasing me with the phone and took pictures of me because he knows I hate it, and I grabbed the phone and went to take pictures of him, and he FREAKED out. Like, he dove for the phone and ripped it out of my hands as if it were a bomb. He ahd never done that before, ever. And it clicked.
"Are you hiding something from me on the phone? Why did you do that?"
"I've always felt weird about you handling my phone," he said.
Um, no. He's never been like that. So we went to bed and obviously I started crying because I knew there was some hidden secret which he, of course, denied.
I asked him if he were texting her and he said no. I found out later, from him, that he was, in fact, texting her. I cried again that night, but for some reason my crying made Randy very very emotional. He kept trying to get me to stop but I couldn't. Eventually I got up and went into the living room, and he followed close after me. We both sat on the couch in the dark, and I pulled off my ring and gave it to him. He looked at me and asked "Are you breaking up with me?" I nodded and he broke down.
Like, I haven't ever seen him do that. There have been dramatic times where we got into a serious fight and gave him the ring and he did nothing but take it, but this time he just clung to me and sobbed. I tried explaining to him that while I will always always love him, I have to put my foot down and start making myself happy. I told him that it wasn't fair that he kept lying to me and that I shouldn't have to deal with it.
He kept saying he knew how bad he was but he never wanted to let me go and that he could change. I told him I was tired of his constant promises to change, and that I've done so much for him and endured so much and that I was tired of it. I told him, "Randy if you really cared about me, you wouldn't continue lying like you do." All I got was an I-know-I-know-I'm-bad.
Eventually I gave in and obviously we're still together. But I won't wear the ring. Randy told me that he'll give me the ring when he and I feel that he has proven to me how much he loves me. I doubt that it'll happen soon. Ever since that night, things have been, well, weird around here. Like it was in Florida when he didn't talk to me much. I don't know. :/
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